Sunday, December 13, 2009

Fear God or He Will Totally Kill You and Your Country

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome back to the house of the Lord! People, I'm going to cut to the chase; I just read 1 Samuel and shit my pants.

I mean, I knew God was all-powerful and what-not; and I know that back in the day He made damn sure Israel was kicking ass and raping foreheads, but I had no idea how far He'd gone!

This one is a pretty quick, it starts in chapter 15, when Samuel, working as God's middle-man, is telling Saul, the king of Israel, what to do. And if I may digress just a tad, why does God have a middle-man to his king? Why not just talk directly to him or have Samuel be the king? It seems really inefficient. I suppose it could have been better for the economy to keep more people employed.

Regardless, Saul is told that he has to attack the Amalekites because Amelek hindered the Jews during the Exodus. And his dicking with the Jews pissed God off to the point where He sounded the commanded, "Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass."

No bones about it, that is totally hardcore.

But Saul is a big puss. Sure he kills all the men, women, children, babies and the vast majority of the animals; but, he left the king, Agag, alive and took him prisoner. He also kept the best of the cattle to use for dinner and sacrifices, which sounds utterly sensible and delicious to me.

So, anyway, the Lord gets monstrously irate and, while chatting up Samuel, totally tears into Saul. He emo-bitches about how He totally regrets making Saul the king and that it was a huge mistake. But then he retracts that a bit later by saying he makes no mistakes. Obviously he was guilt-tripping and when God Himself guilt-trips your pathetic soul you're gonna need buckets of Prozac and a lake of Everclear to drown that mess.

So he sends Samuel over to humiliate Saul by telling him--and this is great--"The LORD hath rent the kingdom of Israel from thee this day, and hath given it to a neighbour of thine, that is better than thou."

Ouch, that's the kind of burn that lasts an eternity! I'm surprised he didn't add, "And he has a bigger dick than you, too, jerk! Just ask your wife when she waddles home tomorrow morning."

And on top of that, Samuel calls Agag and, Agag pleads for his life saying, "Surely the bitterness of death is past." Samuel, responds with, and I quote, "Aww, fuck no!" and chops Agag up into pieces right in front of Saul!

Now this, my friends, is one bad-ass God. Sure when Jesus came around He seemed to turn a new leaf and became merciful and peace-loving, but I think it's best we don't forget what this God is capable of doing. I mean, yeah, maybe today you can go do a minor sin and think, "It's all good, He'll forgive me," but next thing you know, your eyes bleed, your tongue explodes, and your wang shrivels into a pathetic husk.

With that, I have a few announcements for this week: The youth group is having their first retreat and it is to Tijuana, Mexico to bear witness to all the sexy shenanigans going on there and preach against them. Also, Mrs. Cowlinsky will be heading the first annual bake sale and has requested that you refrain from donating any more erotic cakes and claiming it's Adam and Eve. Apparently this has been a common problem for her.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Whole Lot of Love

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this refreshing, new Sunday brought to you by God. I have no announcements this week as I spent the week reflecting on how much sex I wasn't having. And let me tell you folks, that was quite a lot. I can honestly say I had a shit-ton of no-sex. And as I was boning all that nothing, I ran across a tale that spoke to me. It said, "Pastor Farm, it could be worse. You could be banging your daughters."

Yes, today we're going to discuss a rather confusing story. It's about protecting angels and the importance of having God as an alibi.

In 2 Peter Chapter 2 Verse 7, we are told that Lot was a righteous man. Bear in mind this is in the New Testament which was written well after the tale of Lot had hundreds of years to sink in. As you know, Lot is from the Old Testament. He's the man who's wife turned into a pillar of salt and was subsequently used to melt ice on his driveway.

Well, there's a bit more about Lot you may not know about. Dark disturbing things. You may know about God nuking Sodom and Gomorrah; but, at the time, Lot had no clue it was going to happen. So God sent down a couple angels to inform him. And--it's important to keep this in mind--angels back then were men with names like Michael, Azrael, and Gargamel.

Anyway, these two angel-dudes go to Lot and warn him of the up and coming Michael Bay movie that will ultimately devastate his home. He invites them over to spend the night, but they insist on sleeping in the street. No one, for whatever reason, suggests they go back to Heaven and chill for the night, but, whatever.

So, Lot finally gets his way and the angels stay over. Suddenly, several guys from town are banging on Lots door demanding to pump the angels full of man sauce. It had been a while since anyone ever enjoyed the carnal pleasures of angels (that was back a few chapters before the flood--which is also how giants came to be) and no
man had ever had angelic ass, so I guess they were going for a world first or something.

Lot, being a mannered host, said, "No," and graciously offered his virgin daughters. Considering virgin daughters back in the day were about 12 or 13, that's pretty creepy. Strangely, unlike Jerry Seinfeld, these men had no interest in these girls and only wanted the angels. Lot eventually booted them out sending them on their way.

Now, I would say this was fortunate for his daughters' reputations, but then they go and fuck that all up in just a bit.

After the attempted rape, the angels force Lot's family to escape because they don't believe God when he says he's going to blow some shit up. Which is really weird because in those days all he did was blow shit up.

They end up hiding out in a cave and the daughters somehow get it in their heads that there are no more men left on earth and that it's their responsibility for getting pregnant and kick-starting the population by themselves. Consequently, they get Lot drunk and seduce him. According to the Bible, they really do that.

Now I know most of you are thinking, "Yeah,
right. His daughters got him drunk and seduced him." Think what you will about Lot, but his PR man was freakin' ridiculous good. You think any man would get away with that defense these days? This is why it's important to have God on your side of the story.

This brings me back to what was said in 2 Peter about Lot being a righteous man and blaming everyone else around him for being wicked. Seriously, is that an excuse or permission? Would that work on you? "I'm sorry you got raped, but I'm not really a bad guy. It's just that everyone around me is."

Regardless, it's in the Bible so we gotta try to figure this out. Were people just that awful back then that God took what he could get? That's about the best I could figure out. Sure Lot was a douche who offered up his daughters for a mass gang bang, but he was tons better than the guys wanting to corn-hole the angels.

I suppose people got a little better by the time Jesus finally came around. Which, I figure, is a good thing. Gives you hope that we're not total screw-ups anymore since God doesn't have to keep sending Angels to assholes every other day before blowing our shit to smithereens.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Midlife Christ-is

Good morning, everyone. What a pleasure it is to see your bright and shining faces. I see we have many new visitors and I wish to welcome each and every one of you!

I do have one announcement before I begin the sermon: A few days ago, Mrs. Petrie lost her dog. She mentioned that he can easily be lured with peanut butter and tuna...oh my Jesus, that's really disturbing.

Moving on. I was looking through my Bible this week, as I often do, and I read about King David. Now as many of you know, King David ruled over Israel and was pretty much God's favorite man for a while. I don't know about you, but this really depresses me. I mean, this dude had affairs, killed some guy so he wouldn't find out about the affair, whined, complained, and was practically an utter failure of a human being. But who am I to question what God was into at the time?

After some heavy drinking, I decided to read the New Testament as it's a fantastic pick-me-up. I don't know what exactly happened to God, but he sure got a lot nicer. Jesus was the kind of guy anyone could be friends with, even hookers. And man, if you pal around with hookers without paying them, that's pretty pimp.

Now, like anyone else, this reminded me of the end of Rocky IV where Rocky has an epiphany and eloquently mumbles, "If I can change and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!"

Now think about that. Rocky changed, the Russians changed (by rooting for Rocky--super inspiring) and even Drago changed. So if Rocky is right, what's stopping God from changing from the Old to New Testament? There is redemption to be found! Maybe he was watching his TIVO that records the future and got inspired by Rocky IV. Hell, who doesn't?

Now how did I apply this lesson to my life and how can you apply it to yours? For starters, I decided what I really needed to get out of this rut was a total lifestyle change. I've since bought a new Mazda Miata, I'm growing a pony tail to look younger and hipper, and I'm hanging out in clubs with younger people so I can spread my ministry and maybe a few legs if you catch my dong. I mean drift.

God, Rocky and the Russians have set the example, people; I challenge you this week to follow my example and go out there and find your own bar full of hot, drunk co-eds and school them in the ways of wang-fuk-fu.

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Power of Prayer!

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I begin today's sermon, I'd like to begin with a prayer:

"Dear Lord God, please oversee the good people of my congregation and heal them of their emotional, psychological, physical, and venereal wounds. I can only assume, God, that we are just a pitiful few with little money to our names based on last week's tithe which amounted to $15.36 and a drawing of unicorn on a stained Arby's napkin. Amen."

Today, my friends, we will discuss the power of prayer. Some of you may see prayer as little more than talking to your hands and wishing for lotto money. Well, I see that as a real shame. Prayer is your time to chat with the Almighty, not beg him for cash that you'd end up blowing on strippers and diamond toilets.

Personally, rather than wishing for world peace, a loving wife, or anything else with no chance of happening, I use my time to meditate and discuss my concerns. It's often how I get my ideas for my sermons. So you can thank God for this.

Sure, I ask the Lord for guidance and whatnot; but, I know myself better than that. I know when it comes right down to the wire, I'm going to pick the mystery box over the new Dodge Neon and end up with yet another free scoop at the Baskin Robbins. A kidney stone is guided about as well as I am. Sure I'll get somewhere eventually, but it's going to hurt like balls.

So, I guess my point is quit praying for stuff. Instead, reflect on your day, mull over your debts, addictions, and that massive amount of porn on your computer's hard drive. You may just learn something about yourself, God, or most likely, nothing at all. Hell, half of you aren't awake and the other half are texting.

With that, this week Fred and Jenny Eisley are celebrating their third anniversary. Here's to at least two more happy years, after which I can only hope it won't be a loveless nightmare festooned with crabs and odd genital lesions. Cheers!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Forgive and Regret

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome back to the Church of the Casual Christian. I have some sad news to share; my wife has since filed for divorce and has subsequently left the congregation--along with a number of our male congregants.

However, before I begin today's sermon, I am excited to announce that we have begun a Youth Group program which will be led by Brother Edmund Rhodes. Meetings will begin after his court appearance this week after spending last weekend in the county jail. He is proud to state that his children are the first members of the Group; and once they and his wife are released from the hospital, they will be active members as well.

Now many of you may be concerned due to Brother Rhodes' circumstances. But this directly ties in with today's theme: Forgiveness and rehabilitation.

Brothers and Sisters, it is taught somewhere in the Bible that we are to forgive those who trespass against us. And it is my firm belief that "trespass" is used metaphorically. Trespassers on your lawn may still be shot on sight; however, people who do bad things can be forgiven. Bad things being the trespasses. Get it?

Let's go over some of this stuff. Let's say you have a brother-in-law who has been living in your home, eating your food, drinking your beer, collapsing drunk on your couch, and vomiting on your children.

Some may consider this a definite trespass. I know I do. Why let him stay? Why forgive him? Why does the Bible want us to do this?

I don't know. He's a real pain in the ass, and even with my wife gone, I still can't get him to leave. Hell, I can't even get him to move or respond half the time. I'd call the coroner, but he somehow manages a pulse.

Sometimes he looks comatose, but my liquor continues to disappear from the cabinet and mysteriously reappear in a lovely mix of half-digested pork rinds and Cheerios. All over my bed. While I'm sleeping.

I've thought about this and I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't called the police. Well, technically, he's still family. And he's very heavy.

So how does this relate to Brother Rhodes? Sure he may have more than a few domestic assault charges, but he's only been prosecuted for two and plead guilty only on one. But we are asked to forgive our brothers, and since he was never caught actively pumping my wife, I have no problem with that. Also, there's a matter of logistics; when I asked for volunteers in the church handout, the few responses I received ranged from I hate children to poorly drawn pictures of wieners.

I think Brother Rhodes has great things in store for our children. At the very least we can expect a high level of discipline.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Jesus Said No Touchy! Especially My Wife.

Welcome back all, to the Church of the Casual Christian. I see some of you have brought guests. However, I also see most of you didn't bother to come back.

That's okay, I understand people can get busy on Sundays. Heh, I have documentary evidence that my wife gets busy most days, with or without me! Haha...actually without. I'm camera shy.

And that leads me into today's sermon topic, adultery. One of the Ten Commandments clearly states, "Thou shall not sleep with, thy neighbor's wife." Not even if she begs on her hands and knees and barks like a dog. I don't even know how that's sexy, I think some of you are just sick.

You know, just because I'm a preacher doesn't mean I don't see the creamy underbelly of society. I've witnessed a lot of this sleeping-around business going on through my binoculars and it's just disgusting. People, we're not Catholics. We can get divorced whenever. I know it can be expensive, and I know it's tough to hire an attorney when my wife is fond of attaching gag orders. But if you're at each others' throats or just bored, then it's the right thing to do.

Bear in mind Jesus, in Matthew 5: 28-29, said, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Heh, yeah, I know it says "member," I thought it was pretty funny, too. But that's beside the point; the point is you're all going to Hell.

Well, I do have some recommendations to help you move along the righteous path. The first, and most important, is for those of you who have fathered my children: please move. And pitch in some child support. You think this church is a gold mine or something? Sure it's tax free, but it'd be hard to pay taxes with car deodorizers and Mexican currency anyway.

For the married couples, here's an ounce of prevention: don't hang out with single people. To them, your spouses are targets. They tag a wife or husband and get all the dirty fun-times and none of the commitment. It's win-win. Instead, make sure your friends are couples, that way, even if the guilty party does the Mommy-Daddy dance with your partner, at least they have their own special someone at home asking why they smell like a Turkish bath.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Welcome. Tidings. Jeans and T-shirts Allowed.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I'm Pastor Jamie Farm, and this is the inaugural sermon of the Church of the Casual Christian. This is a church unlike any other. For one thing, I'm not going to require "Amens," raised arms, or speaking in tongues. You may, however, use your tongues. They're particularly useful for digestion.

So you may be wondering, what is this place all about? To borrow a phrase, it's about keeping it real. By doing so, I hope to relate to each and all of you without pissing myself in excitement. I will-ah not-ah talk like this-AH!

I won't tell you what to do, but we can discuss some of the things here in the Bible. Some of it's pretty cool and nice; some of it, especially the Old Testament, is pretty racy. I would recommend not allowing your kids to read that. Like, at all. It's nightmare fuel and practically pornographic.

However, the New Testament (the Jesus part to all you laymen) is fair game. Save for the book of Revelations; that's just some some sick shit that no one really knows anything about anyway. My own personal guess is it's an anti-drug message. I've had similar visions after ingesting copious quantities of blotter acid and shrooms...uh...accidentally.

I'm a big fan--as you all are, I'm sure--of my boy Jesus. The man was before his time with the whole turn the other cheek bit and being meek and all. And you will find no person more meek than me. Seriously, I'll call Comcast customer service and apologize to them for their crappy service. When getting punched, I would offer the other cheek, but I'm too busy collapsing in a pool of bitter tears.

Now I'm not suggesting that you follow my pathetic example, but I do recommend following Jesus'. Especially when dealing with me. I'm very sensitive and easily frightened. You can ask my wife and our three ethnic children whom she claims were adopted. Though I'm pretty sure she was pregnant at least once, she told me it was menopause or something. I'm not one to rock the boat, so I go with it.

Anyway, thanks for coming today. We'll now pass around the collection plate. I understand that times are tough, so give what you can even if it's just a coupon. Please don't leave used condoms, I get enough of those in the mail.
Amen and God bless.