Ladies and Gentlemen, before I begin today's sermon, I'd like to begin with a prayer:
"Dear Lord God, please oversee the good people of my congregation and heal them of their emotional, psychological, physical, and venereal wounds. I can only assume, God, that we are just a pitiful few with little money to our names based on last week's tithe which amounted to $15.36 and a drawing of unicorn on a stained Arby's napkin. Amen."
Today, my friends, we will discuss the power of prayer. Some of you may see prayer as little more than talking to your hands and wishing for lotto money. Well, I see that as a real shame. Prayer is your time to chat with the Almighty, not beg him for cash that you'd end up blowing on strippers and diamond toilets.
Personally, rather than wishing for world peace, a loving wife, or anything else with no chance of happening, I use my time to meditate and discuss my concerns. It's often how I get my ideas for my sermons. So you can thank God for this.
Sure, I ask the Lord for guidance and whatnot; but, I know myself better than that. I know when it comes right down to the wire, I'm going to pick the mystery box over the new Dodge Neon and end up with yet another free scoop at the Baskin Robbins. A kidney stone is guided about as well as I am. Sure I'll get somewhere eventually, but it's going to hurt like balls.
So, I guess my point is quit praying for stuff. Instead, reflect on your day, mull over your debts, addictions, and that massive amount of porn on your computer's hard drive. You may just learn something about yourself, God, or most likely, nothing at all. Hell, half of you aren't awake and the other half are texting.
With that, this week Fred and Jenny Eisley are celebrating their third anniversary. Here's to at least two more happy years, after which I can only hope it won't be a loveless nightmare festooned with crabs and odd genital lesions. Cheers!