Sunday, September 6, 2009

Forgive and Regret

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome back to the Church of the Casual Christian. I have some sad news to share; my wife has since filed for divorce and has subsequently left the congregation--along with a number of our male congregants.

However, before I begin today's sermon, I am excited to announce that we have begun a Youth Group program which will be led by Brother Edmund Rhodes. Meetings will begin after his court appearance this week after spending last weekend in the county jail. He is proud to state that his children are the first members of the Group; and once they and his wife are released from the hospital, they will be active members as well.

Now many of you may be concerned due to Brother Rhodes' circumstances. But this directly ties in with today's theme: Forgiveness and rehabilitation.

Brothers and Sisters, it is taught somewhere in the Bible that we are to forgive those who trespass against us. And it is my firm belief that "trespass" is used metaphorically. Trespassers on your lawn may still be shot on sight; however, people who do bad things can be forgiven. Bad things being the trespasses. Get it?

Let's go over some of this stuff. Let's say you have a brother-in-law who has been living in your home, eating your food, drinking your beer, collapsing drunk on your couch, and vomiting on your children.

Some may consider this a definite trespass. I know I do. Why let him stay? Why forgive him? Why does the Bible want us to do this?

I don't know. He's a real pain in the ass, and even with my wife gone, I still can't get him to leave. Hell, I can't even get him to move or respond half the time. I'd call the coroner, but he somehow manages a pulse.

Sometimes he looks comatose, but my liquor continues to disappear from the cabinet and mysteriously reappear in a lovely mix of half-digested pork rinds and Cheerios. All over my bed. While I'm sleeping.

I've thought about this and I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't called the police. Well, technically, he's still family. And he's very heavy.

So how does this relate to Brother Rhodes? Sure he may have more than a few domestic assault charges, but he's only been prosecuted for two and plead guilty only on one. But we are asked to forgive our brothers, and since he was never caught actively pumping my wife, I have no problem with that. Also, there's a matter of logistics; when I asked for volunteers in the church handout, the few responses I received ranged from I hate children to poorly drawn pictures of wieners.

I think Brother Rhodes has great things in store for our children. At the very least we can expect a high level of discipline.

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