Sunday, November 29, 2009

Midlife Christ-is

Good morning, everyone. What a pleasure it is to see your bright and shining faces. I see we have many new visitors and I wish to welcome each and every one of you!

I do have one announcement before I begin the sermon: A few days ago, Mrs. Petrie lost her dog. She mentioned that he can easily be lured with peanut butter and tuna...oh my Jesus, that's really disturbing.

Moving on. I was looking through my Bible this week, as I often do, and I read about King David. Now as many of you know, King David ruled over Israel and was pretty much God's favorite man for a while. I don't know about you, but this really depresses me. I mean, this dude had affairs, killed some guy so he wouldn't find out about the affair, whined, complained, and was practically an utter failure of a human being. But who am I to question what God was into at the time?

After some heavy drinking, I decided to read the New Testament as it's a fantastic pick-me-up. I don't know what exactly happened to God, but he sure got a lot nicer. Jesus was the kind of guy anyone could be friends with, even hookers. And man, if you pal around with hookers without paying them, that's pretty pimp.

Now, like anyone else, this reminded me of the end of Rocky IV where Rocky has an epiphany and eloquently mumbles, "If I can change and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!"

Now think about that. Rocky changed, the Russians changed (by rooting for Rocky--super inspiring) and even Drago changed. So if Rocky is right, what's stopping God from changing from the Old to New Testament? There is redemption to be found! Maybe he was watching his TIVO that records the future and got inspired by Rocky IV. Hell, who doesn't?

Now how did I apply this lesson to my life and how can you apply it to yours? For starters, I decided what I really needed to get out of this rut was a total lifestyle change. I've since bought a new Mazda Miata, I'm growing a pony tail to look younger and hipper, and I'm hanging out in clubs with younger people so I can spread my ministry and maybe a few legs if you catch my dong. I mean drift.

God, Rocky and the Russians have set the example, people; I challenge you this week to follow my example and go out there and find your own bar full of hot, drunk co-eds and school them in the ways of wang-fuk-fu.

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

No comments:

Post a Comment