Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Whole Lot of Love

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this refreshing, new Sunday brought to you by God. I have no announcements this week as I spent the week reflecting on how much sex I wasn't having. And let me tell you folks, that was quite a lot. I can honestly say I had a shit-ton of no-sex. And as I was boning all that nothing, I ran across a tale that spoke to me. It said, "Pastor Farm, it could be worse. You could be banging your daughters."

Yes, today we're going to discuss a rather confusing story. It's about protecting angels and the importance of having God as an alibi.

In 2 Peter Chapter 2 Verse 7, we are told that Lot was a righteous man. Bear in mind this is in the New Testament which was written well after the tale of Lot had hundreds of years to sink in. As you know, Lot is from the Old Testament. He's the man who's wife turned into a pillar of salt and was subsequently used to melt ice on his driveway.

Well, there's a bit more about Lot you may not know about. Dark disturbing things. You may know about God nuking Sodom and Gomorrah; but, at the time, Lot had no clue it was going to happen. So God sent down a couple angels to inform him. And--it's important to keep this in mind--angels back then were men with names like Michael, Azrael, and Gargamel.

Anyway, these two angel-dudes go to Lot and warn him of the up and coming Michael Bay movie that will ultimately devastate his home. He invites them over to spend the night, but they insist on sleeping in the street. No one, for whatever reason, suggests they go back to Heaven and chill for the night, but, whatever.

So, Lot finally gets his way and the angels stay over. Suddenly, several guys from town are banging on Lots door demanding to pump the angels full of man sauce. It had been a while since anyone ever enjoyed the carnal pleasures of angels (that was back a few chapters before the flood--which is also how giants came to be) and no
man had ever had angelic ass, so I guess they were going for a world first or something.

Lot, being a mannered host, said, "No," and graciously offered his virgin daughters. Considering virgin daughters back in the day were about 12 or 13, that's pretty creepy. Strangely, unlike Jerry Seinfeld, these men had no interest in these girls and only wanted the angels. Lot eventually booted them out sending them on their way.

Now, I would say this was fortunate for his daughters' reputations, but then they go and fuck that all up in just a bit.

After the attempted rape, the angels force Lot's family to escape because they don't believe God when he says he's going to blow some shit up. Which is really weird because in those days all he did was blow shit up.

They end up hiding out in a cave and the daughters somehow get it in their heads that there are no more men left on earth and that it's their responsibility for getting pregnant and kick-starting the population by themselves. Consequently, they get Lot drunk and seduce him. According to the Bible, they really do that.

Now I know most of you are thinking, "Yeah,
right. His daughters got him drunk and seduced him." Think what you will about Lot, but his PR man was freakin' ridiculous good. You think any man would get away with that defense these days? This is why it's important to have God on your side of the story.

This brings me back to what was said in 2 Peter about Lot being a righteous man and blaming everyone else around him for being wicked. Seriously, is that an excuse or permission? Would that work on you? "I'm sorry you got raped, but I'm not really a bad guy. It's just that everyone around me is."

Regardless, it's in the Bible so we gotta try to figure this out. Were people just that awful back then that God took what he could get? That's about the best I could figure out. Sure Lot was a douche who offered up his daughters for a mass gang bang, but he was tons better than the guys wanting to corn-hole the angels.

I suppose people got a little better by the time Jesus finally came around. Which, I figure, is a good thing. Gives you hope that we're not total screw-ups anymore since God doesn't have to keep sending Angels to assholes every other day before blowing our shit to smithereens.

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