Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Power of Prayer!

Ladies and Gentlemen, before I begin today's sermon, I'd like to begin with a prayer:

"Dear Lord God, please oversee the good people of my congregation and heal them of their emotional, psychological, physical, and venereal wounds. I can only assume, God, that we are just a pitiful few with little money to our names based on last week's tithe which amounted to $15.36 and a drawing of unicorn on a stained Arby's napkin. Amen."

Today, my friends, we will discuss the power of prayer. Some of you may see prayer as little more than talking to your hands and wishing for lotto money. Well, I see that as a real shame. Prayer is your time to chat with the Almighty, not beg him for cash that you'd end up blowing on strippers and diamond toilets.

Personally, rather than wishing for world peace, a loving wife, or anything else with no chance of happening, I use my time to meditate and discuss my concerns. It's often how I get my ideas for my sermons. So you can thank God for this.

Sure, I ask the Lord for guidance and whatnot; but, I know myself better than that. I know when it comes right down to the wire, I'm going to pick the mystery box over the new Dodge Neon and end up with yet another free scoop at the Baskin Robbins. A kidney stone is guided about as well as I am. Sure I'll get somewhere eventually, but it's going to hurt like balls.

So, I guess my point is quit praying for stuff. Instead, reflect on your day, mull over your debts, addictions, and that massive amount of porn on your computer's hard drive. You may just learn something about yourself, God, or most likely, nothing at all. Hell, half of you aren't awake and the other half are texting.

With that, this week Fred and Jenny Eisley are celebrating their third anniversary. Here's to at least two more happy years, after which I can only hope it won't be a loveless nightmare festooned with crabs and odd genital lesions. Cheers!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Forgive and Regret

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome back to the Church of the Casual Christian. I have some sad news to share; my wife has since filed for divorce and has subsequently left the congregation--along with a number of our male congregants.

However, before I begin today's sermon, I am excited to announce that we have begun a Youth Group program which will be led by Brother Edmund Rhodes. Meetings will begin after his court appearance this week after spending last weekend in the county jail. He is proud to state that his children are the first members of the Group; and once they and his wife are released from the hospital, they will be active members as well.

Now many of you may be concerned due to Brother Rhodes' circumstances. But this directly ties in with today's theme: Forgiveness and rehabilitation.

Brothers and Sisters, it is taught somewhere in the Bible that we are to forgive those who trespass against us. And it is my firm belief that "trespass" is used metaphorically. Trespassers on your lawn may still be shot on sight; however, people who do bad things can be forgiven. Bad things being the trespasses. Get it?

Let's go over some of this stuff. Let's say you have a brother-in-law who has been living in your home, eating your food, drinking your beer, collapsing drunk on your couch, and vomiting on your children.

Some may consider this a definite trespass. I know I do. Why let him stay? Why forgive him? Why does the Bible want us to do this?

I don't know. He's a real pain in the ass, and even with my wife gone, I still can't get him to leave. Hell, I can't even get him to move or respond half the time. I'd call the coroner, but he somehow manages a pulse.

Sometimes he looks comatose, but my liquor continues to disappear from the cabinet and mysteriously reappear in a lovely mix of half-digested pork rinds and Cheerios. All over my bed. While I'm sleeping.

I've thought about this and I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't called the police. Well, technically, he's still family. And he's very heavy.

So how does this relate to Brother Rhodes? Sure he may have more than a few domestic assault charges, but he's only been prosecuted for two and plead guilty only on one. But we are asked to forgive our brothers, and since he was never caught actively pumping my wife, I have no problem with that. Also, there's a matter of logistics; when I asked for volunteers in the church handout, the few responses I received ranged from I hate children to poorly drawn pictures of wieners.

I think Brother Rhodes has great things in store for our children. At the very least we can expect a high level of discipline.