Sunday, August 30, 2009

Jesus Said No Touchy! Especially My Wife.

Welcome back all, to the Church of the Casual Christian. I see some of you have brought guests. However, I also see most of you didn't bother to come back.

That's okay, I understand people can get busy on Sundays. Heh, I have documentary evidence that my wife gets busy most days, with or without me! Haha...actually without. I'm camera shy.

And that leads me into today's sermon topic, adultery. One of the Ten Commandments clearly states, "Thou shall not sleep with, thy neighbor's wife." Not even if she begs on her hands and knees and barks like a dog. I don't even know how that's sexy, I think some of you are just sick.

You know, just because I'm a preacher doesn't mean I don't see the creamy underbelly of society. I've witnessed a lot of this sleeping-around business going on through my binoculars and it's just disgusting. People, we're not Catholics. We can get divorced whenever. I know it can be expensive, and I know it's tough to hire an attorney when my wife is fond of attaching gag orders. But if you're at each others' throats or just bored, then it's the right thing to do.

Bear in mind Jesus, in Matthew 5: 28-29, said, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Heh, yeah, I know it says "member," I thought it was pretty funny, too. But that's beside the point; the point is you're all going to Hell.

Well, I do have some recommendations to help you move along the righteous path. The first, and most important, is for those of you who have fathered my children: please move. And pitch in some child support. You think this church is a gold mine or something? Sure it's tax free, but it'd be hard to pay taxes with car deodorizers and Mexican currency anyway.

For the married couples, here's an ounce of prevention: don't hang out with single people. To them, your spouses are targets. They tag a wife or husband and get all the dirty fun-times and none of the commitment. It's win-win. Instead, make sure your friends are couples, that way, even if the guilty party does the Mommy-Daddy dance with your partner, at least they have their own special someone at home asking why they smell like a Turkish bath.

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