Sunday, August 30, 2009

Jesus Said No Touchy! Especially My Wife.

Welcome back all, to the Church of the Casual Christian. I see some of you have brought guests. However, I also see most of you didn't bother to come back.

That's okay, I understand people can get busy on Sundays. Heh, I have documentary evidence that my wife gets busy most days, with or without me! Haha...actually without. I'm camera shy.

And that leads me into today's sermon topic, adultery. One of the Ten Commandments clearly states, "Thou shall not sleep with, thy neighbor's wife." Not even if she begs on her hands and knees and barks like a dog. I don't even know how that's sexy, I think some of you are just sick.

You know, just because I'm a preacher doesn't mean I don't see the creamy underbelly of society. I've witnessed a lot of this sleeping-around business going on through my binoculars and it's just disgusting. People, we're not Catholics. We can get divorced whenever. I know it can be expensive, and I know it's tough to hire an attorney when my wife is fond of attaching gag orders. But if you're at each others' throats or just bored, then it's the right thing to do.

Bear in mind Jesus, in Matthew 5: 28-29, said, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Heh, yeah, I know it says "member," I thought it was pretty funny, too. But that's beside the point; the point is you're all going to Hell.

Well, I do have some recommendations to help you move along the righteous path. The first, and most important, is for those of you who have fathered my children: please move. And pitch in some child support. You think this church is a gold mine or something? Sure it's tax free, but it'd be hard to pay taxes with car deodorizers and Mexican currency anyway.

For the married couples, here's an ounce of prevention: don't hang out with single people. To them, your spouses are targets. They tag a wife or husband and get all the dirty fun-times and none of the commitment. It's win-win. Instead, make sure your friends are couples, that way, even if the guilty party does the Mommy-Daddy dance with your partner, at least they have their own special someone at home asking why they smell like a Turkish bath.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Welcome. Tidings. Jeans and T-shirts Allowed.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I'm Pastor Jamie Farm, and this is the inaugural sermon of the Church of the Casual Christian. This is a church unlike any other. For one thing, I'm not going to require "Amens," raised arms, or speaking in tongues. You may, however, use your tongues. They're particularly useful for digestion.

So you may be wondering, what is this place all about? To borrow a phrase, it's about keeping it real. By doing so, I hope to relate to each and all of you without pissing myself in excitement. I will-ah not-ah talk like this-AH!

I won't tell you what to do, but we can discuss some of the things here in the Bible. Some of it's pretty cool and nice; some of it, especially the Old Testament, is pretty racy. I would recommend not allowing your kids to read that. Like, at all. It's nightmare fuel and practically pornographic.

However, the New Testament (the Jesus part to all you laymen) is fair game. Save for the book of Revelations; that's just some some sick shit that no one really knows anything about anyway. My own personal guess is it's an anti-drug message. I've had similar visions after ingesting copious quantities of blotter acid and shrooms...uh...accidentally.

I'm a big fan--as you all are, I'm sure--of my boy Jesus. The man was before his time with the whole turn the other cheek bit and being meek and all. And you will find no person more meek than me. Seriously, I'll call Comcast customer service and apologize to them for their crappy service. When getting punched, I would offer the other cheek, but I'm too busy collapsing in a pool of bitter tears.

Now I'm not suggesting that you follow my pathetic example, but I do recommend following Jesus'. Especially when dealing with me. I'm very sensitive and easily frightened. You can ask my wife and our three ethnic children whom she claims were adopted. Though I'm pretty sure she was pregnant at least once, she told me it was menopause or something. I'm not one to rock the boat, so I go with it.

Anyway, thanks for coming today. We'll now pass around the collection plate. I understand that times are tough, so give what you can even if it's just a coupon. Please don't leave used condoms, I get enough of those in the mail.
Amen and God bless.