Sunday, August 23, 2009

Welcome. Tidings. Jeans and T-shirts Allowed.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I'm Pastor Jamie Farm, and this is the inaugural sermon of the Church of the Casual Christian. This is a church unlike any other. For one thing, I'm not going to require "Amens," raised arms, or speaking in tongues. You may, however, use your tongues. They're particularly useful for digestion.

So you may be wondering, what is this place all about? To borrow a phrase, it's about keeping it real. By doing so, I hope to relate to each and all of you without pissing myself in excitement. I will-ah not-ah talk like this-AH!

I won't tell you what to do, but we can discuss some of the things here in the Bible. Some of it's pretty cool and nice; some of it, especially the Old Testament, is pretty racy. I would recommend not allowing your kids to read that. Like, at all. It's nightmare fuel and practically pornographic.

However, the New Testament (the Jesus part to all you laymen) is fair game. Save for the book of Revelations; that's just some some sick shit that no one really knows anything about anyway. My own personal guess is it's an anti-drug message. I've had similar visions after ingesting copious quantities of blotter acid and shrooms...uh...accidentally.

I'm a big fan--as you all are, I'm sure--of my boy Jesus. The man was before his time with the whole turn the other cheek bit and being meek and all. And you will find no person more meek than me. Seriously, I'll call Comcast customer service and apologize to them for their crappy service. When getting punched, I would offer the other cheek, but I'm too busy collapsing in a pool of bitter tears.

Now I'm not suggesting that you follow my pathetic example, but I do recommend following Jesus'. Especially when dealing with me. I'm very sensitive and easily frightened. You can ask my wife and our three ethnic children whom she claims were adopted. Though I'm pretty sure she was pregnant at least once, she told me it was menopause or something. I'm not one to rock the boat, so I go with it.

Anyway, thanks for coming today. We'll now pass around the collection plate. I understand that times are tough, so give what you can even if it's just a coupon. Please don't leave used condoms, I get enough of those in the mail.
Amen and God bless.


  1. OMG, "Jamie" -- very, very funny. I'll have to tell Chris about this!