Saturday, June 12, 2010

I, Cain, Has Cheezeburger?

Good morning my fellow parishioners. Welcome back to God's House of Worship and Barbecue! I'd like to take the time to mention that in case of a fire, the exits are located both to the left and the right of the aisles and since I'm the most important person here, stay the hell out of my way.

Speaking of imminent death, today I’m going to discuss something serious. Murder. In fact, we’re going to talk about the first murderer, Cain. Coincidentally, he also committed the first murder.

So, how much do you think you know about him? Do you know why he killed his brother? Do you know what his punishment was? Do you know where you going to? Do you like things that life is showing you?

Well first thing's first. Here are the facts:

A) Cain killed Abel, who was his brother.
B) God approached Cain and both of them played coy until finally God called Cain out like a bitch.
C) Cain got off scott free.

What? Why? We kill our murderers, but God lets Cain go? Sure "thou shall not kill" wasn't invented, yet, but what the hell? Was this a foreshadowing of the hippy, tree-hugging New Testament God? No, but we'll get into that in a bit.

First, let's review the reasons behind Cain's consternation.

Cain and Abel were getting ready to provide an offering to God. What God, the Lord of the entire universe, would need with any kind of offering—maybe he needed a startship--is left to our imaginations. I guess he just wanted to see if they'd do it.

Cain and Abel had different professions. Abel herded sheep and Cain was a farmer. What neither knew, though, was that, like any real man, God loves the meat.

Anyway, it turns out that Cain offered up his freshly grown veggies and fruits, whereas Abel had all kinds of kabobs, sausages, and Shepherds’ pie ready for the munching. So God totally ignored Cain's offering of fruit salads, vegetarian chili, and tofurkey. But He straight up salivated over Abel’s juicy and tender ribs. I bet He could suck the meat off the bone.

So next thing you know, God adds insult to injury by nut-stomping Cain by asking him, "Why are you furious? And why are you downcast? If you do right, won't you be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it."

Let me break that down. First God shuns Cain, then tells him that it's all good so long as you do right. What the hell does that even mean? How was he to know what was right when God hadn’t made any rules, yet? And now he's got to master sin? His mom and dad couldn't even master not eating fruit because a a goddamn—literally—snake tempted them. How fucked up is that?

Now, granted, they didn't have the internet back then, but I can tell you right now that if a snake ever offered me shit, not only would I not accept it, I'd run the hell away screaming, “Holy Shit! Talking snake!"

So Cain, in the Bible's first example of insane overreaction takes everything out on Abel and kills him.

Okay, so God, the maker of everything, tells you that your food sucks. So what? It’s not like he’s Chef Ramsay. He said it was all good so long as you do right, bro. I could understand maybe not talking to your brother at dinner, or maybe not even sending him a Christmas card or whatever they had before Christmas. But you don't react by wasting the one dude on the planet that knows how to cook on a spit.

Well it gets crazier. As much as God loved his lamb chops, he did not immediately smite the living fuck out of Cain. Instead, he toys with him by asking Cain where his brother is. Cain, demonstrating that his balls were made of lead-coated diamonds, shrugs God off with the famous fuck you: Am I my brothers keeper?

Oh shit. Now it’s on. It’s on with God. His ass is so smoted.

But no. God does goes off on Cain but only curses him mildly. The worst part of it being that Cain will no longer be able to farm a fart from a mole and is now, like Harrison Ford, a fugitive.

Think about that for a second . What is he a fugitive of? God? That doesn't make sense. Who would chase after him forcing him to leap from one building to the next and hang on precariously to helicopters? Also, wandering around the earth isn't being a fugitive, it's being a hobo. Plus, God’s everywhere, so where could he reasonably go?

Regardles, Cain demonstrated that he was also the first pussy and whined that was just too much. He'll be wandering around and whoever finds him will kill him. But, who would find him? His mom and dad? Baby brother Seth? Who was around? That's a lot of earth to wander, but not a whole hell of a lot of people. Yes, I know the story’s a metaphor, but damn, that's a lot of plot holes.

So God emasculates him and says, "That's right, ass. Now deal."

Actually, I'm kidding. What he does is actually more insane. God comforts Cain and says, “If anyone kills Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.”

Wait, what? I can't figure this one out.

And that's where we all come in. This isn't just a place for teaching, it's a place for learning. We all learn from each other. Take me for instance, I learned from my penis that Earl Townshend over there gave me his Herpes and still has the sack to show up to church. With my biohazard of a wife, too. And I’m pretty sure she’s giving him a hand job.

So let’s share what we each take from this tale of malice, murder, and mutton. In the comments section, please tell what you believe is the moral of this tale. Sure it’s a copout since I don’t I have a clue, but I also want to involve you, my dear parishioners more into my love zone that I call this church.

Before you go, this week Dr. Viktor Klinkhammer will be holding a workshop on how to avoid medical costs by faking your own death. As well, the Church of the Casual Christian will be hosting our first movie night with the family-friendly Passion of the Christ. We could only find the unrated version, but I'm sure it's fine. Bring your kids; we'll bring the popcorn!

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